Lately I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. It’s almost time for that New Year’s resolution and I am curious if there are things that I need to change about myself in the 2008 year. I find myself thinking about how far I have come in life. The road has been long and filled with more obstacles that I care to count, but I have made it to this point knowing that this is where I need to be. I may not love every aspect of my life, but the overall big picture is finally looking like something that I am proud to have accomplished.
I left home at 18 years old and it was not on good terms. My mother and I did not see eye to eye on my choice of boyfriends at the time and I was tired of her trying to run my life. At that point I was still a kid, I knew nothing of what the “real” world held for me, and I had a very rude awakening coming to me concerning that boyfriend. If I had only listened to my mother I could have avoided years of heartache and turmoil, now that she has passed and I no longer can get that advice from her, I find myself reflecting on things that she told me. Trying to stay true to myself and not allow others to take that away from me.
When I was in my 20’s I was what guys like to call a hottie. I was 5′7″ and weighed between 110-120. I had hair down to the middle of my back and knew how to use every trick in the book to get guys to notice me. At that point in my life I never thought that I would be out of shape or overweight. I never saw my looks fading with time, all I knew is I was pretty at that moment in time and I felt like for once I was on top of the world.
I was 25 when I had my son Dakota. It was not a planned pregnancy but he has been a blessing to have. Everyone knows that when a woman gets pregnant it changes her body. Well it changed my body is a big way (that pun was intentional), and I found myself sinking into a severe depression with the coming years after his birth.
When my husband and I first started dating I weighed in at a whopping 210 pounds. At 5′7″ that’s considered clinically obese by most doctors. I hated going to the doctor and having to be weighed. That had to be the hardest thing for me to admit, I had become the “fat” girl. It never really hit me until one day I heard some guys talking about me and they made the comment, “She has a great personality!” Every woman knows that statement really means that she is not attractive but that people are trying to find something nice to say about her. It’s the final nail in the proverbial coffin of self loathing. I had hit bottom and it was time for me to start pulling myself out of the pit of despair.
September of 2006 my husband and I got married, it was a very small and beautiful wedding and I had one of the most beautiful dresses. When we got the pictures developed and sat at home a few days later looking over those memories, I found myself thinking only one thing. “I look like the stay puffed marshmallow man!” (Yes I wore white to my wedding). How had I let things get this far out of control? Was I ever going to reclaim some semblance of my body back? I didn’t even know where to begin.
In December of 2006 my husband got me a membership to our local gym for Christmas. Most women would have been offended at this gesture, I was ecstatic. I finally had a way to get in shape and lose weight, my dreams had come true.
I began my membership immediately on December 18th. My first set of measurements was not very impressive, I was shocked. I weighed in at 210 pounds, 38% body fat, 44 inch waist, 40 inch chest and 42 inch hips. Damn! I was huge. Well it’s been almost one year of working out and trying to be healthier overall. I have a 34 inch waist, I weigh 195 pounds, I’m down to 32% body fat I have a 36 inch chest and I’m smaller all over. Those were my measurements back in July, I haven’t have measurements taken recently, but I guess I should. I’ll probably do that today when I go to the gym and I’ll post my results when I get home. I am very proud of my progress, but let me tell you what it’s been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
Gaining muscle and losing fat doesn’t always mean weight loss. In fact in the first few months of working out I gained 5 additional pounds. That was heartbreaking. I have what trainers like to call plateaued at 195 pounds because I haven’t gained or lost any weight since March. Last month I lost about 4 pounds and actually got down to 191, but now I’m back up to 195 again. It’s hard to admit that I will never again be thin, petite or any of those other skinny endearments that people use when talking about thin women. It’s ok though, because my husband has taught me a very valuable lesson. I’m no longer a little girl, I’m a woman. I’ve grown up and I will never again have that child like body that got me so much attention in the past. I have curves in all the right places. I have breasts now that I didn’t have back then. I have grown from a skinny awkward little girl, into a beautiful strong confident woman. I had never really thought of it in that manner. I was so focused on trying to get my weight back down to that low number, that I couldn’t see the big picture. My hips are wider, my breasts are much bigger (yes they are natural!), my shoulders are wider and my ribcage has spread. All these changes happened because I became a mother. That in itself is a beautiful transformation. I was very vertical before, no curves and not very well endowed. Now I am curvy and filled out like a real woman. Don’t get me wrong I’m still trying to get rid of some stubborn fat around my mid section because I want to have a flat stomach. The rest of my muscles are firming up nicely and have gotten much stronger in the last 11 months. It’s amazing and I would tell any woman who felt the need to do something to take control of her body to at least try it. The gym isn’t for everyone, but there are things that you can do at home just as easily to keep in shape and become the stunner that every woman has inside. She’s there you just have to give her a reason to come out.
My story is still being written, but so far I’m liking the chapters that I’ve read. It’s starting to look like this is going to have a happy ending and I feel that I deserve that after the life that I’ve had. Today is also my day off, and for once I’m going to make it that. Do nothing but things for myself. Go to the gym, maybe some shopping. A trip to the video store to browse the movies so we can have entertainment tonight. A much needed day to do nothing but the things I want to do. The housework will still be there tomorrow. So here’s to all those women who just need to be recognized. Go grab some Starbucks and put your feet up, you deserve it!
