Happy New Year!

Christmas is over and was a great holiday this year. My son got more gifts than any 5 year old needs and he was very happy with all his new “stuff”! It was a very nice and at home holiday for my husband and I. Now we face the last 30 minutes of our 2007 year. I cannot believe that I am already facing 2008! Where has this year gone? It has been a fantastic year for me. My husband and I have celebrated our first whole year together as man and wife (married in September 2006). My son has done well thus far in school, but he’s got a way to go before he’s perfect that’s for sure. I have a great new job with the potential to build a fantastic career. We are doing well financially and are looking forward to moving into a better place in March of 2008. I have absolutely no complaints at all about my 2007 year.

After all the hard times that I’ve had in my life (trust me there’s been plenty), I think that I’ve finally gotten to the point in life where things are finally going my way! I love my new life, I just wish it had come about like 10 years ago. LOL!

Well here I sit on my nice comfy couch in the comfort of my safe home getting ready to watch the ball drop with Dick Clark (Like I have since I was a child!) and I’m pretty well lit with all the alcohol I’ve had. I’m a lightweight though so don’t be too impressed. LOL. I hope that everyone is looking forward to the new year with a positive attitude and that all my online friends and readers will be safe and happy tonight! I am going to sit here and see just how much I can drink before I get too silly for my husband to handle. This is the one day a year that I actually get to drink. (Hence why I’m a lightweight!). Be safe and I look forward to posting plenty next year!

Saturday Night and no kid!

I was shocked when I found out that a friend of mine was willing to watch my son for me so my husband and I could go to a Christmas party that a co-worker of his was giving. I was so excited about the prospect of getting to go out with my hubby in a setting that didn’t involve playlands or chicken McNuggets! It was going to be an adults only party no kids allowed! This is the first time that he and I have gotten the chance to go out since our honeymoon which was in September of 2006!

Yesterday started off crappy. I had to take my son to the doctor to discover that he’s got conjunctivitis (aka pink eye). It’s not too bad, but he had to be put on eye cream to help get rid of the infection. That’s always a fun experience. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of putting cream in your kid’s eye, trust me it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Luckily for me my son does really well with it and doesn’t give me any trouble at all when I put it in. I have a major eyeball issue though! I hate putting stuff in my own eyes (no contacts or eye drops for me ain’t happening)! Now I have to put cream in a squirmy 5 year olds eyes four times a day until the little tube of cream is gone or the infection is whichever comes first. Yippee!

After the doctors appointment to determine what was wrong with his eyes yesterday I took him to get a much needed hair cut. For a boy his hair sure does grow faster than any I’ve ever seen. He’s lucky like that I suppose. It was starting to grow over his ears and he had the little duck tail going on at the nape of his neck (which I think is totally adorable!) Then we headed home and picked up my hubby so we could go do lunch. It was a good afternoon. We went over to my friend’s house to drop off Dakota and actually stayed to visit with them for a few hours. I was quite happy with the arrangement of being able to go out and have fun and not have to worry about keeping my little one entertained!

The time came and we headed to the party. I have to say, the man hosting this party has  got a beautiful house. We were a little worried about finding his house at first because he lives in an area that neither of us is very familiar with. It was pitch dark outside and raining off and on as well. The roads weren’t labeled with easily read street signs and there weren’t very many streetlights once we got into the wooded area. We finally found the first turn off and it was easy sailing from there! If you have every seen the movie “National Lampoons Christmas Vacation” when Chevy Chase decorates his house with millions of lights and it lights up like daytime, you can believe me when I say that this house was a close second to that. (Oh, there’s his house! Thanks for the beacon of lights man!) It was striking. Nutcracker soldiers, reindeer, snowmen and even a gingerbread house were happily welcoming us up to the house which I have to say was huge! I had house envy the minute we pulled up in front of it. That place made our crappy little apartment look like a cardboard box, no doubt.

It about killed me but the inside of the house was as gorgeous as the outside. (Damn this man and his good taste!) It was so homey and I felt very comfortable there right away. We were the first guests to arrive and we got the grand “tour” of the home. (More envy here). As guests started to arrive we were all directed into the den area where the party was going to be held and noticed the bar and huge flat panel tv that was providing us with some really nice social music as we walked in. Well more and more guests arrived and we all began to socialize and have a great time! (Is that a karaoke machine on that shelf? Why yes, yes it is!)

I encouraged my husband to drink and I stayed sober so I could drive us home. Well he drank, more than his fair share. It was the first time I had ever seen my husband drunk (we haven’t been together that long, don’t be too shocked). He was really affectionate and playful, it was cute. I’ve never seen him so social and unguarded. We laughed and had a great time but before I knew it it was 2:45am and I realized that I needed to get my very intoxicated husband home. It wasn’t too bad, we arrived home safe and sound and he was promptly put into bed so he could get his much needed rest.

This morning at about 10am I got up and went over to get my little bear from the sitter. He was really good for her and she enjoyed having him over. We also went over to my mother-in-law’s house this afternoon to visit with her for a bit. My husband was too sick to venture out today so it was just me and little bear running errands and visiting Nana. It was a very busy weekend and I’m not even done yet. I still have my son’s school uniforms to wash before morning. A woman’s work is never done, usually just postponed for a later time, it never truly goes away!

Luckily by the time I got home tonight from visiting my husband was feeling much better. He had been able to keep crackers and Gatorade down and he’d even eaten a little more substance later on. I think it’s going to be a long time before he drinks that much again. Being sick afterwards is just not worth it!

Ok well it’s off to do laundry I go, joy of my life! I swear if I ever hit the lottery I am so getting a live in housekeeper!

No rest for the weary!

As I mentioned in my last post, I successfully survived my first week at Blue Cross and I feel pretty good about it. Tomorrow we have our first big pass or fail test. We need to score an 80% or better to pass, and those of us who fail will not be allowed to continue our employment there. It’s a scary thought, but it’s open book/notes/computer help test. So it’s hard to fail unless you have absolutely no idea where to locate the information requested. I hope I do well, I really like the idea of having a real job that pays as well as this one does.

My son had a good day at school today, he didn’t have one problem in his classroom today. It’s only Monday so I don’t get too excited about it at this point. He had a rough week last week because he just isn’t listening or using his manners when dealing with the staff at the school. He seems to think that he is the adult in that equation, that however is not the case! I saw the assistant principal when I went to pick Dakota up from after care today and we had a quick little conversation about Dakota’s blatant disrespect for teachers. It went well, and he is of the firm belief that Dakota will do well in school if we could just get him over this little bump.

We decorated our house yesterday for Christmas! Our tree is up and the window clings are appropriately stuck festively to the windows. It’s not much, but it’s what we can manage in our apartment until we get a bigger place. Soon there may actually be gifts under that tree too. I don’t get paid until the 21st of December, so it’s going to be close but that Christmas shopping is going to be done!

On a sad note I have a very dear friend of mine from high school who was diagnosed years ago with Lupus. She has battled now with the disease for about 12 years. Well I found out this weekend that she is back in the hospital and she isn’t doing well. She actually died on Friday night, but they were able to revive her. Over the years her body has gone through so much just to keep her alive that it’s only going to be a matter of time before it can’t go on anymore. She is such a beautiful person inside and out and she’s only in her late 20’s. My best friend of 18 years lives in California still so she is keeping me updated on my friend’s condition but we haven’t heard anything all weekend. I’m hoping that no news is good news, but I’m sure if something happened that the family she has left might be more concerned about other things than emailing all of us about the circumstances. I hate the fact that I’m on the East Coast and even is something did happen that I can’t do anything about it. At this rate I wouldn’t even be able to go to the funeral. This is one of the reasons why I regret moving so far away. When those who are close to me need me I can’t just be there for them. It’s rough and I’m not trying to sound selfish, but it’s true. I pray that she will be able to hang in there and pull out of this, but I’m not so sure anymore.

I find myself not having near as much free time anymore that I am used to and it makes it hard to get everything done that I want to get done. I did at least get to play World of Warcraft for a little bit yesterday to unwind after the very busy weekend. I still find myself wondering when I signed up to be the responsible adult in this lifetime, cause I don’t recall doing so. It’s all in the day of a mommy and wife and now I’ve got chores to do.

Surviving the first day at my new job!

Well I happily report that I have successfully survived my first day at Blue Cross. Today was orientation day. We had guest speakers that gave us a lot of information to digest. I actually begin my training at my training site tomorrow morning. I was really excited to start my new job, but let me tell you that I came home totally wiped out and with a slight eye fatigue headache. (Nothing a hot bath tonight couldn’t fix!)

My weekend was once again too short and I didn’t get half the things done that I wanted to get done. I wanted to decorate the house for Christmas, yeah that didn’t get done. Hopefully this weekend I’ll be able to get at least a little more accomplished. Now that I am working full time I’ll have to make sure that I can balance my chores as a mom and wife with some fun time so I don’t lose my sanity over the mounds of claims that I will be processing soon!

Am I the only one who cannot believe that it’s only a few more weeks until Christmas? I find myself saying, “where did this year go?” I guess it’s been a good year but it doesn’t feel like it should be December already. I feel slightly cheated out of my months of bliss. I haven’t done anything related to Christmas yet, but I know that I am not alone in that endeavor either. Luckily for me none of my shopping has to be done at a mall this year, that is enough to make this year fantastic!

Well my favorite show is coming on in just a few short minutes, so I am going to go get a cup of hot tea and curse winter for being so cold. Then I’m going to settle in on my couch for the next two hours and enjoy mindless television!

Totally Uncool!

Just when I thought it was safe to be happy and have a positive outlook on life, reality has to step in and rear it’s ugly head and make me realize that happily ever after is just a friggin fantasy. Today started off good enough, but it’s not the sunrise you have to question but how you feel when the sun sets.

I got up this morning feeling liberated to know that I didn’t have to return to the job that I had been working at. I took my son to school and then of all things to do on my day off I had to go to the gyno. Fortunately I have a great doctor who works at the medical mall of a local hospital and there is a Starbucks in the medical mall. All was forgiven over jokes about his phone ringing during my exam (you wanna get that? lol) and a gingerbread spice latte.

I left the doctor’s office to go shopping to pick up a few more pieces for my new job wardrobe. Ross is a wonderful store and they have plenty of clothes that look great in my size (which is smaller than it used to be, but far from petite!) I went to blockbuster and picked up a couple of movies so my hubby and I would have something to watch tonight as well. All was going pretty well.

The rest of the day passed with no meltdowns or drama. We watched our first movie “I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.” That had me laughing so hard I was in tears. It is a funny yet touching movie all at the same time. I do have to say that Ving Rhames should not be a gay firefighter though!

We put in our second movie which is the new Die Hard movie. Every man loves a good action flick right? Well tonight even Bruce Willis and computer hackers couldn’t make my husband forget that he is still a non smoker. His last day on the patch was Tuesday and he’s been miserable ever since. He says he feels hungry all the time, and his self esteem is totally in the toilet. He’s worse than a women with PMS some days. I totally understand that he is still getting over a 10 year addiction, but damn it it’s hard to not strangle him sometimes.

Now he’s in bed “sleeping” because “at least if I’m asleep I don’t have to fight the cravings.” Well makes sense, but what is he supposed to sleep the rest of his life away so he doesn’t have cravings or over eat? This is stupid. I am so on the verge of going out and just getting him a pack of cigarettes. Would that be so terrible? Sure he may get cancer and he may die at a not so old age, but the alternative isn’t looking much happier. He is overly self aware of every flaw he thinks he has, he eats to substitute the cravings and he’s miserable. So he can die of cancer from smoking or heart disease from being overweight and not working out to stay healthy? Hmm I don’t know, which death would you rather see your spouse suffer? This just sucks and there is nothing in this self addicted world that I can do to help him at this point. In fact it seems that I only make things worse. I’m never in the mood at the right times, I have a child who gets on my husband’s nerves quicker than someone lighting up in front of him, I’m losing weight, I can eat popcorn? (he doesn’t like popcorn anyways!) My mere existence is aggravating to him but the flip side of that coin is he can’t live without me.

In the meantime I’m stuck on this roller coaster ride trying hard to help and not lose my own sanity at the same time. I’m supposed to be the weak willed one who falls apart easily, not him. I’m not used to having a man need me for something more than a sex toy, a parent for their child from some other woman, or a maid. Now he needs me to be his kite string, his support and I have no idea how to do that. I’ve never been needed before, and it dumbfounds me. I would normally say just go with it, you’ll figure it out. What if I don’t? What if I can’t help him and he ends up going back to smoking? Is it that bad? I feel as if I’ve failed him at this point and I’m not sure how to repair the damage. Did I force him to be someone that he wasn’t meant to be by getting on a health kick? Am I the terrible person? Sh** someone tell me what I’m supposed to do here cause I’m flying solo and I don’t have a pilot’s license.

Busy life means no time to spare!

It has come to my attention that during the entire time that I was off for the Thanksgiving holiday that I never once wrote a blog post. Shame on me. Things were not all that busy last week, but I was taking the much needed time to relax and do the things I wanted to do. This week I went back to work and have been playing catch up at the office all week so far because I had three days off last week. At least this is my last week at my old job. I start my new job at Blue Cross on Monday! Excitement all around!

For Thanksgiving my husband, my son and I went to my husband’s Aunt’s house. It was a pretty long drive, but it was worth it once we got there. His Aunt and Uncle have recently moved into the new house and this is their first Thanksgiving there. I have to admit that this house is gorgeous. It’s everything I would want in a home and more. It’s almost 3600sq ft. and worth every foot. Painted in neutral warm tones with a centralized wood fireplace to heat the home it’s very Martha Stewart like without the jail time. The walk in closet off the master bedroom is so big I almost didn’t realize it was a closet. The shower in the master bath is absolutely huge and every little nuance of the house flows together and makes you feel at home. Thanksgiving dinner was wonderful and the desserts were plenty. My son had fun playing with some toys that my husband’s mother brought over for him and we got some quality time to visit with family.

Friday after Thanksgiving I played games on my computer most of the day. I wasn’t about to try to leave the house to go anywhere with it being black Friday and all. I stayed at home gleeful that I was not working retail this year.

Saturday we went to a friends house to play tabletop Dungeons and Dragons. We get together with friends once a week to play. It’s a great way  for us to forget about the real world and live outside the box for a few hours. Well Saturday’s session was about 12 hours. We got there at 11am and played until about 11pm. I haven’t done that in years and it was fun yet exhausting all at the same time. As we were all leaving we decided to do it again this week, that was a good game!

Sunday was the realization day that I had tons to do and had done nothing for days. I had to do the grocery shopping as we had no food in the house and we didn’t bring any leftovers home from turkey day. I did that and spent some more quality time playing World of Warcraft on the computer. I never thought that I would get that into a video game, but let me tell you what, I’m addicted and it’s the most fun thing that I have done online in a long time!

Now I’m getting close to the end of my work week and I find myself so nervous about Monday morning. I went this morning to the Blue Cross building and got my badge made and my packet of paperwork to fill out before my first day. It’s real, I really got the job. I’m still young enough that change is a good thing, but those nervous jitters are still there. I know I’ll be fine, but it’s something new that we’ll all have to adjust to.

My son is having a good week at school, my husband and I have agreed to try to find some more time for intimacy and I actually have some spare time to relax lately. Overall I can say that all is well. I may not feel the same by next week, but I’m definitely going to enjoy it while it’s here!

No rest for the wicked!

It’s Monday night at 7:30pm and I’m frantically trying to catch up on all the blog entries that I need to have done before 9pm tonight when Monday night Raw comes on. Let me tell you what, it’s not easy. This is my second blog that I have. My first blog is a wrestling blog that I started writing when my husband mentioned that I should blog about something that I enjoyed. Well it’s a weekly endeavor that I try to post as much to as I can. There is always so much going on in the world of wrestling however that sometimes I don’t get a whole lot written in a week’s time. It’s fun and I totally enjoy writing it. If you’d like to check it out you can see it at http://wwefangirl.blogspot.com .

I find myself so exhausted right now though that I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to stay awake to watch wrestling. Today was a very busy day at work since I only have two days to work this week then I’m off for the Thanksgiving Holiday. I was swamped with work. Then after work I had to go make a car payment because I forgot to do that over the weekend. Then my son and I headed home, did his homework then went to the gym. He gets to play at the kid center, while I get to work my butt off. I’m glad to report that I’ve lost 2 more pounds, so I’m down to 193 now. That makes me happy. It’s a slow process but in order to be healthy while I lose weight it’s got to be a slow process. I’ve lost a total of 19 pounds, gained back 4 pounds of muscle then lost 2 more pounds of fat. A seesaw never had so much fun!

Tomorrow promises to be just as busy at work so no rest for the wicked there. Wednesday will be spent running errands and doing last minutes stuff before Thanksgiving. We are headed to my husband’s Aunt’s house this year and I’m hoping that we all have a very nice time. I will definitely have to tell you all about it after the fact. For now I think I am going to relax and skim a magazine before my show comes on. Happy Thanksgiving to all and if you are traveling during this time of year please be very careful. You may be a great driver, however it’s the other crazy people on the road that kill families. Be safe and enjoy all that wonderful food!

Men have feelings too!

I feel like such a jerk.

Here I am blogging about how thrilled I am about myself losing weight and getting back into shape, with no regard at all to how my husband may be feeling about himself at this moment. I guess I truly wasn’t thinking. Here’s the story of how I went from wife of the year to blatant jerk in about 10 minutes.

My husband quit smoking a few months ago and has been doing so wonderfully with the patches that I can’t help but be anything other than super proud of him. However just like with women when men quit smoking they put on a few pounds because they trade that oral fixation of cigarettes with the oral fixation of food. I never really figured it was a big deal because there isn’t as much pressure but on men to be “perfect” in society right? Or is there?

I have to admit I am a huge fan of the muscle structure of the human body. I love watching muscles work and flex, it’s sexy. I also watch wrestling, which is ripe with men (and women) who are ripped and muscled in place most of us don’t even have places. They look damned good, they have to it’s their job. I can’t say that I haven’t oogled a wrestler or two before because of their beautiful physique. (Should I mention that Triple H is my favorite wrestler?) I never realized that this might have an effect on the man who I go to bed with every night, but somehow I think it does.

Today my husband and I got the idea to take measurements of each other and see how we compared. I was game, so when he came home for lunch we did just that. I had gotten my recent measurements while I was at the gym, so I proceeded to take his measurements. However during this process I kept pointing out how better my measurements were and how my arms and legs are more muscular than his. This is not something that you ever want to do to your spouse. I wasn’t doing it to be mean, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. In my excitement about my weight loss and new muscle tone, I totally forgot myself and wasn’t thinking of his feelings at all. He stormed out of the house upset because he says that “He’s a fat slob.”

That is not how he wanted to spend his lunch and I definitely didn’t mean to make him feel bad about himself. How do I fix this? I can tell him time and time again the ways that I find him attractive. I tell him what I think makes him sexy. I write him poetry even when I’m feeling inspired. This however isn’t enough for him at this point. His self-esteem has taken a nose dive and I can’t help but feel partly responsible for it. Yesterday while we were chatting online I mentioned that I would like to help him feel good about himself and maybe help him make some changes that might do this. Maybe getting a hair cut (he hasn’t had it cut in 10 years!). Maybe getting some hair color to enhance his facial features and not be so drab. I knew that worked for me when I was feeling a little down and out. Well he didn’t warm to the idea of me wanting to change him and I think it might have offended him just a little bit. I’m not exactly sure how to console a man who is down on himself. I’ve never really had to do that. I’ve always dated men who were too full of themselves, so self esteem wasn’t an issue.  I wasn’t even aware that looks were that big of a deal to men.

I guess that women aren’t the only ones feeling the pressures of being beautiful in this day and age. I mean look at sports stars and actors recently. They are tone, cut and gorgeous and men have to live up to that image to please their wives. (or so they think). If we had the money for personal trainers to come to our home, or a nutritionist to make our meals for us everyday, I’m sure we’d both be stunning. However this is reality, not Hollywood!

Does he not understand that I absolutely melt when I look in his eyes. They change colors with his mood. It’s so awesome. They can be as blue as a sapphire or so light they look silver. I’ve even seen them green before when he was feeling mischievous.  His legs are muscular and very sexy. They are strong and I love they way the muscles feel when he flexes them. Same with his arms. When he holds me tight and I feel the love and security that they bring to me, it’s the best feeling in the world. Sure he doesn’t have a 6 pack and biceps that require tank tops or risk ripping shirt sleeves, but I don’t want that. I love the man I have! So what if he’s a little fluffy, that makes no difference to me. I fell in love with him for more reasons that I can count and I accepted who he was and what he looked like straight out the gate. If I had known that bringing up changing things might have caused this beautiful man to feel bad about himself I never would have went there. How could I be so insensitive?

Hopefully this will all pass and I can find some way to make him feel better about himself. Sure he’s not as motivated about exercise as I am (he loathes the gym), and he’s not as active as I am, but I will do whatever it takes to make this man see that he doesn’t need to worry about me not being completely in love with him, because I so am. So much in fact I wrote an entire blog about him! (lol).

So ladies keep this in mind the next time you are looking at your significant other wishing he looked like your favorite actor: Men have feelings too! How would you feel if he kept suggesting to you that you look like a super model? See it would hurt and you would feel bad about yourself. Well it’s a two way street. So give that man of yours a big hug and tell him he’s perfect the way he is, it might make a world of difference!

Self reflection

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection. It’s almost time for that New Year’s resolution and I am curious if there are things that I need to change about myself in the 2008 year. I find myself thinking about how far I have come in life. The road has been long and filled with more obstacles that I care to count, but I have made it to this point knowing that this is where I need to be. I may not love every aspect of my life, but the overall big picture is finally looking like something that I am proud to have accomplished.

I left home at 18 years old and it was not on good terms. My mother and I did not see eye to eye on my choice of boyfriends at the time and I was tired of her trying to run my life. At that point I was still a kid, I knew nothing of what the “real” world held for me, and I had a very rude awakening coming to me concerning that boyfriend. If I had only listened to my mother I could have avoided years of heartache and turmoil, now that she has passed and I no longer can get that advice from her, I find myself reflecting on things that she told me. Trying to stay true to myself and not allow others to take that away from me.

When I was in my 20’s I was what guys like to call a hottie. I was 5′7″ and weighed between 110-120. I had hair down to the middle of my back and knew how to use every trick in the book to get guys to notice me. At that point in my life I never thought that I would be out of shape or overweight. I never saw my looks fading with time, all I knew is I was pretty at that moment in time and I felt like for once I was on top of the world.

I was 25 when I had my son Dakota. It was not a planned pregnancy but he has been a blessing to have. Everyone knows that when a woman gets pregnant it changes her body. Well it changed my body is a big way (that pun was intentional), and I found myself sinking into a severe depression with the coming years after his birth.

When my husband and I first started dating I weighed in at a whopping 210 pounds. At 5′7″ that’s considered clinically obese by most doctors. I hated going to the doctor and having to be weighed. That had to be the hardest thing for me to admit, I had become the “fat” girl. It never really hit me until one day I heard some guys talking about me and they made the comment, “She has a great personality!” Every woman knows that statement really means that she is not attractive but that people are trying to find something nice to say about her. It’s the final nail in the proverbial coffin of self loathing. I had hit bottom and it was time for me to start pulling myself out of the pit of despair.

September of 2006 my husband and I got married, it was a very small and beautiful wedding and I had one of the most beautiful dresses. When we got the pictures developed and sat at home a few days later looking over those memories, I found myself thinking only one thing. “I look like the stay puffed marshmallow man!” (Yes I wore white to my wedding). How had I let things get this far out of control? Was I ever going to reclaim some semblance of my body back? I didn’t even know where to begin.

In December of 2006 my husband got me a membership to our local gym for Christmas. Most women would have been offended at this gesture, I was ecstatic. I finally had a way to get in shape and lose weight, my dreams had come true.

I began my membership immediately on December 18th. My first set of measurements was not very impressive, I was shocked. I weighed in at 210 pounds, 38% body fat, 44 inch waist, 40 inch chest and 42 inch hips. Damn! I was huge. Well it’s been almost one year of working out and trying to be healthier overall. I have a 34 inch waist, I weigh 195 pounds, I’m down to 32% body fat I have a 36 inch chest and I’m smaller all over. Those were my measurements back in July, I haven’t have measurements taken recently, but I guess I should. I’ll probably do that today when I go to the gym and I’ll post my results when I get home. I am very proud of my progress, but let me tell you what it’s been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Gaining muscle and losing fat doesn’t always mean weight loss. In fact in the first few months of working out I gained 5 additional pounds. That was heartbreaking. I have what trainers like to call plateaued at 195 pounds because I haven’t gained or lost any weight since March. Last month I lost about 4 pounds and actually got down to 191, but now I’m back up to 195 again. It’s hard to admit that I will never again be thin, petite or any of those other skinny endearments that people use when talking about thin women. It’s ok though, because my husband has taught me a very valuable lesson. I’m no longer a little girl, I’m a woman. I’ve grown up and I will never again have that child like body that got me so much attention in the past. I have curves in all the right places. I have breasts now that I didn’t have back then. I have grown from a skinny awkward little girl, into a beautiful strong confident woman. I had never really thought of it in that manner. I was so focused on trying to get my weight back down to that low number, that I couldn’t see the big picture. My hips are wider, my breasts are much bigger (yes they are natural!), my shoulders are wider and my ribcage has spread. All these changes happened because I became a mother. That in itself is a beautiful transformation. I was very vertical before, no curves and not very well endowed. Now I am curvy and filled out like a real woman. Don’t get me wrong I’m still trying to get rid of some stubborn fat around my mid section because I want to have a flat stomach. The rest of my muscles are firming up nicely and have gotten much stronger in the last 11 months. It’s amazing and I would tell any woman who felt the need to do something to take control of her body to at least try it. The gym isn’t for everyone, but there are things that you can do at home just as easily to keep in shape and become the stunner that every woman has inside. She’s there you just have to give her a reason to come out.

My story is still being written, but so far I’m liking the chapters that I’ve read. It’s starting to look like this is going to have a happy ending and I feel that I deserve that after the life that I’ve had. Today is also my day off, and for once I’m going to make it that. Do nothing but things for myself. Go to the gym, maybe some shopping. A trip to the video store to browse the movies so we can have entertainment tonight. A much needed day to do nothing but the things I want to do. The housework will still be there tomorrow. So here’s to all those women who just need to be recognized. Go grab some Starbucks and put your feet up, you deserve it!

I think I woke up in the twilight zone!

Did you ever have one of those days where you look at it and say, “what the hell did I wake up in the twilight zone?” Well today is definitely one of those days for me. Nothing seemed to go right and I’m sick on top of it so I already feel like crap. Gotta love days like this.

It started off normal enough, got ready for work, got my kiddo ready for school and out the door we went a little early so I could stop and get gas. Which if you’ve been to the pumps lately, that’s a very depressing moment. Luckily it only took $40 to fill up my car, not as bad as I was anticipating. Off to school we went. Traffic was light so I didn’t have to worry about running late and making up time. I dropped him off and he was a little reluctant to get out of the car, but finally he did and into the school he went. I headed to work.

I arrived at the office and realized that it was pretty empty, which isn’t unusual for being that early in the morning. I went ahead and started a pot of coffee for my coworkers (I drink hot tea), and got lights turned on in the back part of the office. I sat down at my desk and turned on my computer. Now let me tell you something about my computer, it’s the biggest piece of poo that I have ever worked on in my life. It’s so outdated, I think it runs on a hamster in a wheel and slow doesn’t even begin to describe it’s speed. Every time I use that machine I think of those two turtles in the Comcast high speed commercial. I started booting it up at 7:50 and it was 8:10 before I got to the screen where I could start to open programs. I’ve told them what I need to have done with it before, but I’m just a temp so why should they bother making sure I have a system that I can actually do my work on in a timely manner?

After cussing the machine out thoroughly for being such a disappointment I finally got started on my daily work. Then my co-worker called and said she wasn’t going to make it in due to a knee injury and a doctor appointment that afternoon. Ok no problem, I can hold down the education and training fort while she’s out. I had plenty to do today anyways seeing as how tomorrow is the 15th and my reports are due out. Then the receptionist buzzed me to let me know that she was going to be out from about 9:15 to about noon. (there is a whole different story to tell you about that woman, I don’t think I have enough space to type all that…..lol) Ok so now I get to answer the phones while she’s out. Goody! I try to be optimistic as I go to the kitchen for that first cup of hot tea, but I already don’t want to be here now I’m doing the job of two other people today, could anything else happen?

Yes, yes it could. I no more than get back to my desk, steaming cup of tea in my hand than the receptionist buzzes me again and says that she has to leave immediately because he daughter called and ran out of gas. Ok I get the phones right now, no big deal I can do this. I check my work emails and get my in-box work done so I can finally start on my reports. Luckily for me the phones are pretty quiet and I don’t get many interruptions. It takes about 2 hours to run the reports and I am done shortly before lunch. At this point my throat is still killing me and I still want to crawl back into bed and not come out until Spring.

Lunch comes and goes quickly with nothing bad happening. I spend the rest of the afternoon at work stuffing envelopes with the reports that I just printed out and making sure that they are ready to be postmarked tomorrow morning. Then I get a phone call from a client. He told me what he needed and it was an easy task to complete, but then he kept me on the phone for almost 15 more minutes just chatting. Normally I wouldn’t have minded talking, I love to talk to people. At this point I had to really concentrate hard to not let my scratchy voice get the best of me and end up sounding like a man during this conversation. He just kept rambling on and I just kept thinking, “Don’t you ever shut up?” Finally I was able to get off the phone with him and resume the rest of my days activities with 20 minutes left of work.

Naturally those 20 minutes crept by at a snails pace because I wanted to get home. I left work and headed to the school to pick up my son. He came out to the car bawling. I asked him what was wrong and he said he’d been bad at school. Oh oh. I checked in his backpack and sure enough he had come home on red behavior. There is a story behind this too, let me elaborate.

My 5 year old son started kindergarten this year and was also diagnosed with ADHD. Now I have to admit that I was pretty skeptical with that diagnosis, thinking that ADHD wasn’t really an affliction but a lack of parenting. Well let me tell you what, it’s real and it has nothing to do with your skills as a parent. My sweet loving son that I’ve taken such care in raising all his life, went to kindergarten and turned into Damien from the Omen movies. He was violent and disrespectful and absolutely a horror to have in class. My mantra the entire time to his teacher was, “I don’t know what to say, he’s not like this at home.” Which he isn’t like that at home cause he knows better. I finally took him to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist and got him put on a medication regiment. He takes Ritalin and Clonidine. The medications work together to make sure he’s not too stimulated but that he’s not too lethargic either. It’s a great mix thus far and his behavior has gotten so much better in my opinion. However today was not a good day.

The teacher called me after school to say that he just wasn’t able to be in control of himself today. He wasn’t following directions, he didn’t do his classwork, he was rude and disrespectful to her most of the time during the day. Once again I was left saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why he’s behaving this way.” She said that she was really hoping that the medication would change his behaviors more than what they have and that she felt let down by his lack of change. I didn’t know what to say to that at all. I think he’s doing wonderfully (most of the time that is). He’s learning more, he’s reading simple books now, doing basic math and spelling and doing very good in Spanish. I don’t see how she can say that he’s not making progress. Sure he’s not perfect every day but what child at that age is? What more does she want out of him? This conversation left me feeling very disillusioned about everything.

So here I sit, blogging about the day. It’s almost 5pm I still have dinner to make and I don’t feel like doing it at all. There are no leftovers to scrounge from so I have to cook tonight. We’ve been going out to eat a lot lately because I haven’t been in the mood to cook. We really can’t spend anymore money on fast food. It’s just so hard to be motivated to do what I need to do when this day has been a complete drain on me. Work sucked, my kid got busted at school, and my husband woke me up at 3am this morning because he couldn’t sleep. If anyone ever needed a vacation I think I would qualify. I love my family don’t get me wrong but sometimes I get really sick and tired of being mom. I know that things will get better, but right now I need chocolate and take out…..=D