I’ve got the blues.

Another week comes to an end, yet I find myself not nearly as enthused as I should be that it’s the weekend. I think I’ve got a case of the blues and I can’t quite shake it lately. I’m not even sure what snowballed it into the beast that it is now, but I do know that I just want to sleep until I feel better.

My son was excellent at school most of the week this week. Yesterday however he had a terrible day and got in trouble when he got home. That wasn’t the way I wanted to kick off my weekend. Today I was planning on signing him up for soccer, that’s not going to happen now. Our agreement with him in order for him to get involved in activities like that was he had to be on good behavior all week at school. Well he wasn’t so now he knows that there is a consequence for his actions. I hate having to be the bad guy about stuff like this, but we’ve discovered recently if we remain lax on the issue he gets lazy and won’t behave at school. We had to take a firm stand and punishment has to be doled out every time he’s not on good behavior. If I make exceptions for one situation he uses that to his advantage and expects me to allow him to slide for every situation and that’s simply not happening anymore. Up to this point I’ve been a pushover when it comes to giving in to him and I’ve been a very laid back parent. However the older he gets the more he knows how far to push that envelope to get the odds to turn out in his favor. He’s smart and that’s the issue because he thinks like an adult in certain situations and I’m definitely not used to a child who’s on my level. Don’t get me wrong smart is good, but too smart can be irritating at times.

Work is going great. I’m almost done with my training period. The past few days I’ve submitted my claims for review and not gotten any errors. It was a good feeling to know that I had two perfect days in a row. Tuesday and Wednesday were my perfect days. We’re still waiting to get the results back from Thursday and Friday hasn’t been submitted for review yet. My Monday was horrible, so the next few days of awesome sure did make up for it.

Home life is going well. Counting down the days until I can get out of this ghetto apartment complex and move somewhere decent. Lately things have gotten so bad here I’m about to pull my hair out. I could list the things that I hate about this place but that would be a hefty read. I pay over $700 a month in rent I expect better for my money, however I am sadly disappointed every time we walk in the door or drive through the parking lot. It wasn’t a bad place when we moved in two years ago, but now it’s just gone to hell. We’re looking into renting a house. I think I’ve had enough of apartment living for my lifetime. I want a place that I won’t grow out of as readily and that I can feel like home in. Once we get our credit cleared up (well my credit mostly) and start building up some strong positive credit (get my car paid off), we’ll look into buying a house. I think that’ll take at least 5 years or so. I want to get the best rate for buying a home and not get stiffed with high interest rates on a mortgage because my FICO score isn’t where it should be. Here’s hoping for the best!

I haven’t been writing recently because I can’t seem to muster the motivation to do it. Like I said I’ve been feeling kinda blue lately. I try to play on the computer or watch movies or television, but it’s all very uninteresting to me right now. I went to the gym once this past week because every weeknight when I go it’s just packed in there and I hate having to wait for machines or weights. So I made excuses and skipped out the other nights. How can a person who knows that they are slipping into a depression stop the actions from happening? My mind understands the symptoms and knows that it’s not a good state of mind to be in, yet I can’t seem to fix the problem. It’s weird. I haven’t had a good depressive bout in a long time, maybe I’m just overdue? I just need some good comfort food (or chocolate) and something nice and warm to drink. My life is so good right now so why the hell am I so sad? Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated!

Is there hope?

Is there hope? Well my weekend started off not so great. Friday afternoon I got a call from my son’s school saying that he had been suspended pending a meeting with the principle on Monday morning. I’ve got to be there at 7am to meet with him. I was furious. How in the blue hell do you get suspended from KINDERGARTEN? Needless to say my bored 5 year old has been sitting in the corner and he’s not too happy about it at all. Why should he be happy, he is on the verge of getting kicked out of school and he doesn’t even seem to care. Is there hope?

This all started at the beginning of the school year when he started Kindergarten. His behavior was less than stellar, so it was suggested that I have him tested for ADHD. I did and it was found that he is ADHD and also border line gifted. He tested at a 8-9 year old level for comprehension and speech. However he’s only about a 3-4 year old level socially. He’s very immature and wants to play all the time, he doesn’t have “time” to do schoolwork.

After putting him on Ritalin I discovered that Ritalin hypered him up too much, so the doctor added another prescription to the regiment called Clonidine. That seemed to work well. Then I found out that he was sleeping through class! I was so angry at his teacher for letting him sleep through class just because she didn’t want to “deal” with him. Another call to the doctor got the Clonidine removed and the Ritalin dosage increased. This hasn’t worked at all. I have to call him again on Monday and let him know what the situation with the school is and see if maybe another medication would be a better option at this point.

However report cards came home last week, and I must say I was impressed with the scholastic part of it. My little man is on par or above average for the things he should know how to do in class already. However the behavior section of the report card is all I’s (meaning Inconsistant). It’s so frustrating. I know he’s super smart, and he’s such a good kid everywhere else but school. It’s like he gets onto campus and turns into Satan. I was wondering for awhile if I should have named him Damien. Is there hope?

I’m not going to worry too much about it today. I’m actually trying to enjoy my weekend. I’ve been so stressed out lately with taking my final at work (passed with a 90% by the way!), the death of a dear friend (who will be missed but not forgotten), my son’s behavior (is military school an option?) and all the other evils that are life (I have to do laundry again??), it’s been a hectic couple of weeks. I think I might be able to pull it all together and get back on track once I talk to the school tomorrow and get that mess straightened out. At least I hope so. I’ll keep everyone posted on how that all turns out.

Is there hope that my 2008 will be a better year? Or am I destined to struggle and fight through this one too? I will appreciate any words of wisdom or support at this point cause man I feel bleak already and it’s not even the end of January!

Trudging along

Today was not a good day. Emotions are running high in our apartment right now. The cat is in heat so all she does is yeowl and put her butt up at you every chance she gets. My son just started back on his Ritalin after being off of it for a week, so he’s still struggling at school with behavior issues. My husband is sinking further and further into a depression that I’m not sure I can help him out of. I lost a really close friend over this last weekend and my heart still hurts like hell because of it. Needless to say it’s not a very good place to be right now especially if you have any empathy in your body at all, because it just feels heavy here lately.

I feel like I am on autopilot. I haven’t really felt like I am really “here” at all this week. I’ve started getting headaches again which isn’t good. I want to just sit down and cry for hours on end, but yet I can’t seem to get the tears to come. I’m still angry at the loss of my friend because it was so unfair she was only 29 years old. Such a loss and a tragedy. One of many that I have endured throughout my lifetime. My eyes are so heavy I’m not sure how I can even keep them open to write this blog, yet I continue to type away. Am I on autopilot again or are my sentences making since? I’m hoping if I blog enough I might feel better or at least be able to start making sense of the feelings going on in my head.

I bragged at the end of 2007 about how great my life had gotten since my husband and I got together. I should not have bragged so much even if it was only in my own head, because 2008 has sure socked it to me and it’s only the 16th! I know that the year will smooth out and get better, but it feels like everything is against me and I don’t have a friend in the world right now.

I guess I should get the laundry done and get myself to bed at a decent time tonight. The past few nights I have not slept well because my mind has been too active and I really really need the sleep. Any suggestions on how to make life easier, please share with me because I’m about to lose my mind!

Totally Uncool!

Just when I thought it was safe to be happy and have a positive outlook on life, reality has to step in and rear it’s ugly head and make me realize that happily ever after is just a friggin fantasy. Today started off good enough, but it’s not the sunrise you have to question but how you feel when the sun sets.

I got up this morning feeling liberated to know that I didn’t have to return to the job that I had been working at. I took my son to school and then of all things to do on my day off I had to go to the gyno. Fortunately I have a great doctor who works at the medical mall of a local hospital and there is a Starbucks in the medical mall. All was forgiven over jokes about his phone ringing during my exam (you wanna get that? lol) and a gingerbread spice latte.

I left the doctor’s office to go shopping to pick up a few more pieces for my new job wardrobe. Ross is a wonderful store and they have plenty of clothes that look great in my size (which is smaller than it used to be, but far from petite!) I went to blockbuster and picked up a couple of movies so my hubby and I would have something to watch tonight as well. All was going pretty well.

The rest of the day passed with no meltdowns or drama. We watched our first movie “I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.” That had me laughing so hard I was in tears. It is a funny yet touching movie all at the same time. I do have to say that Ving Rhames should not be a gay firefighter though!

We put in our second movie which is the new Die Hard movie. Every man loves a good action flick right? Well tonight even Bruce Willis and computer hackers couldn’t make my husband forget that he is still a non smoker. His last day on the patch was Tuesday and he’s been miserable ever since. He says he feels hungry all the time, and his self esteem is totally in the toilet. He’s worse than a women with PMS some days. I totally understand that he is still getting over a 10 year addiction, but damn it it’s hard to not strangle him sometimes.

Now he’s in bed “sleeping” because “at least if I’m asleep I don’t have to fight the cravings.” Well makes sense, but what is he supposed to sleep the rest of his life away so he doesn’t have cravings or over eat? This is stupid. I am so on the verge of going out and just getting him a pack of cigarettes. Would that be so terrible? Sure he may get cancer and he may die at a not so old age, but the alternative isn’t looking much happier. He is overly self aware of every flaw he thinks he has, he eats to substitute the cravings and he’s miserable. So he can die of cancer from smoking or heart disease from being overweight and not working out to stay healthy? Hmm I don’t know, which death would you rather see your spouse suffer? This just sucks and there is nothing in this self addicted world that I can do to help him at this point. In fact it seems that I only make things worse. I’m never in the mood at the right times, I have a child who gets on my husband’s nerves quicker than someone lighting up in front of him, I’m losing weight, I can eat popcorn? (he doesn’t like popcorn anyways!) My mere existence is aggravating to him but the flip side of that coin is he can’t live without me.

In the meantime I’m stuck on this roller coaster ride trying hard to help and not lose my own sanity at the same time. I’m supposed to be the weak willed one who falls apart easily, not him. I’m not used to having a man need me for something more than a sex toy, a parent for their child from some other woman, or a maid. Now he needs me to be his kite string, his support and I have no idea how to do that. I’ve never been needed before, and it dumbfounds me. I would normally say just go with it, you’ll figure it out. What if I don’t? What if I can’t help him and he ends up going back to smoking? Is it that bad? I feel as if I’ve failed him at this point and I’m not sure how to repair the damage. Did I force him to be someone that he wasn’t meant to be by getting on a health kick? Am I the terrible person? Sh** someone tell me what I’m supposed to do here cause I’m flying solo and I don’t have a pilot’s license.